Foundations

Some things we don’t say.
Like how bad we hurt each other all those years ago –
3 years, right?
Like how we said we were the best of friends,
but walking away was so easy,
as were words whispered behind each others backs.

Some things we don’t give voice.
Like the time I admitted that I hate you –
and that letter I wrote.
Like how we abandoned each other,
right when we needed one another most.
It was easier to pretend that we didn’t.

Some words don’t ever form.
Like the words I feel about that boy who ripped us apart –
remember him?
Like the words I said when you walked by,
and my friends all laughed,
and so did I because it was easier to laugh than to cry.

Some things we don’t talk about.
Like when She left us and we didn’t know how to be –
because she held us together.
Like how we had changed so much that we didn’t know
who the other one was anymore,
but we didn’t know how to say it, so we said we were the same.

Some conversations we don’t revisit.
Because it’s easier to forget they happened.
Let’s erase them in our silence,
let’s forget the ruins in our past,
let’s build on top of them a new monument,
ignoring the shaking foundation beneath.

4 months.

It was the 3rd of September when I spoke with you last and that’s funny because that’s the day I started my job. It was the day my life changed in more ways than I understood it had at the time.

It’s funny when you contact someone you’ve thought and prayed about contacting for so long. It’s like a giant weight is relieved from your chest. All of a sudden the things you’ve considered, the things you’ve worked through, they are lifted off your shoulders and are just gone.

And for the first time I’m not worried about how you’ll receive it. I’m not lying awake second guessing how you’ll take what I wrote. I hope, of course, that you’ll understand the heart behind my words. That you’ll see that I am being genuine. That I am being real about what I said, about what I’ve learned. But I’m not worried.

I told you the truth. I told you what I’ve learned. What I’ve come to realize. I’ve briefly shared how my life has changed because the bottom line is, you played a big role in that change. God used you in ways you’ll never know. And I’m so thankful. So tonight I’m crying because what I told my friend tonight was true. Our next moves don’t determine our whole lives. It’s just one step, in the many steps we take in life. And tonight I finally took that step.

Side By Side

I loved you since the day you caught my eye.
I swore I’d make you mine.
And still, even after all this time,
I can’t bear to say goodbye.

And I know you’re the poison in my wine,
Can’t hold you tight enough to make you mine.
And I hear them say we should run away,
But I want you to stay.

Let’s just stay here where we are,
Pretend that this won’t break our hearts.
The turning world might stop tonight,
While we are side by side.

You broke me on the day you left,
I swore I never would forget.
But when I look back on the day we met,
There’s not one thing that I regret.

And I know you’re the chain the weighs me down,
I know you hold me on the ground.
And with you, I’m a bird that cannot fly,
But I like this cage of mine.

Let’s just stay here where we are,
Pretend that this won’t break our hearts.
The turning world might stop tonight,
While we are side by side.

Begging for Crumbs

The world we live in is broken. No matter who you are, no matter what you believe, there are very few people, I think, who would argue that we aren’t broken, that there’s not something wrong in this world. At times, we are overwhelmed by this feeling that there was supposed to be more. It was supposed to be different, or better. This world is so full of hurt and Hard.

Every once in a while, as we are walking along, we see a glimpse of how it’s supposed to be: a tiny piece of heaven on earth where, for a passing moment, we see the beauty that God intended. This world is just a shadow of the home we were made for. It’s a reflection in a distorted mirror where nothing looks quite like it is supposed to and everything is gaudy and out of shape.

We hold tight to those moments, to those glimpses. We long for more of them, we search for them. And why wouldn’t we? Why wouldn’t we grasp at the split seconds in which we are able to see perfection? They help to spur us on in the midst of the Hard that otherwise surrounds our daily walks. But they were never meant to be what we lived for.

Those fleeting seconds, those passing mirages, they are a picture of what we are promised, but they are not the life we are called to here. Here we live through the Hard. We push into a Father who has promised us peace and joy even in these ugly moments, in the moments where it doesn’t make sense.

We are begging for crumbs.

Please God, please. Just this One thing. Just that One person. Just that One dream. Give me that, and I’ll be satisfied. I’ll never ask for anything else. Let me hold onto this moment. Please, don’t take that too.

It breaks our heart when these comforts, these securities that we cling to with our entire beings are ripped apart from us. When we realize that we might not get that dream. There are areas that we get a no in spite of the fact that we are begging God for a yes.

It’s beyond painful to hear a “no” from God where we are praying for a “yes”. Living in the knowledge that He is the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE and He could easily say “yes” and yet he still says “no” is distressing. It feels as if God is giving us more Hard; more Hard in this already Hard world. It’s overwhelming to have to remind ourselves that He is there and that He is good; that His “no” is good. We have to remember that the author of all eternity is writing our stories and we are crafted purposefully and perfectly.

We are begging for crumbs.

God has promised us a feast. And sometimes, we get scraps from the feast while we walk through this life. And when we get them, it’s just so good. There are some crumbs which remind us of the feast that’s waiting for us, so God lets us keep those scraps. But other times, when we fail to see those crumbs as a reminder of the feast, He takes them away. After all, we were never meant to have just crumbs or to live for just crumbs. We were made for so much more.

It breaks us down when we feel like God is saying “no” to the good things we could have. When it seems like He is taking away things or people and you are saying “God! How is this bad?! Why this one?” We forget that God is taking away the crumb that He blessed us with, but He still has a feast prepared. What He has for us is so much bigger and better than what we cling to. It’s so much bigger and better than what we imagine.

God is the author of my life. He is writing the plot, the setting and the characters. It’s up to Him when the setting shifts. It’s up to Him where the plot will twist and turn. It’s up to Him to write people into different roles: to write them into the story and to write them out of the story. I desperately want to grab the pen. There are people I want to write back in. There are people I’d gladly write out. There are people who would play entirely different roles if the pen was in my hand. But it’s not. And every time I ask Him to make something happen my way instead of His, I’m begging for crumbs.

“Stay”

We could have done this thing so differently,
You could have cut this off and just been honest with me.
Guess you didn’t think I’d ever see.
But I can see through, see through all your lies,
And I can see your mask; I see your disguise,
I’ll bet you never realized.

Our romance was a fire and now you’re gonna burn.

And now I’m looking back wondering why you thought that it was fine,
To play your games – to make me want to make you mine.
So tell me why you had to break my heart this way,
You could have told me that you loved her but instead you said “stay”.

You could have been, you could have been a man,
If you had just come clean to me I’d understand,
But instead you tried to hide your plan.
Well I can see you, see you standing here,
Been exposed and now she knows, and it’s all in the clear,
And I’m taking back my wasted year.

Cause you were playing with fire, and I’m the one who was burned.

And now I’m looking back wondering why you thought that it was fine,
To play your games – to make me want to make you mine.
So tell me why you had to break my heart this way,
You could have told me that you loved her but instead you said “stay”.

Well I put out the flames with the tears that I cried,
Over you for so many nights.
And I stood from the ashes, a phoenix, I rise,
And I spread out my wings and took to the sky.

And I’m not looking back, you should have known it wasn’t fine,
To play your games and now I won’t waste my time.
I never said that you could break my heart that way,
And even if you asked me, I would never stay.

Enough

It’s the word that I want to scream out at the world. I’ve been here before; I’ve walked this road, I recognize the twists and turns and I’m tired of being caught in this cycle. Moving through the same motions over and over again, so many times I can hardly stand it. Why are these shadows following me around? Didn’t I leave this behind me? “Enough!”

It’s in the sentence I find myself whispering at night as I curl up in my bed trying to sleep. When I try to process through my day, try to let it go so that tomorrow can be new. When I force myself to accept that the Lord’s plans are better than mine. When I try to remember that He works all things together for my good. When I ask Him to give me direction. “When will it be enough?”

It’s the phrase I hear God whispering to my heart. “I AM ENOUGH.”

And I know He is.

Wishing On A Star

I don’t know if I found you, or you found me in this big world.
But somehow you fit right in to my life so comfortably.

You always knew my heart, right from the very start.

I’m wishing on a star,
I’m breaking my own heart.
By holding onto hope of something I can’t hold.
I know you can’t be mine,
And I’ve run out of time.
But I sit with my guitar and wish on every star.

Where did we go so wrong? We made a mess of what had.
We broke apart, in tiny shards, you seemed to slipped away so fast.

You somehow broke through all my walls, said you would catch me when I fall.
But now I am patching up the holes, just trying to feel whole.

I’m wishing on a star,
I’m breaking my own heart.
By holding onto hope of something I can’t hold.
I know you can’t be mine,
And I’ve run out of time.
But I sit with my guitar and wish on every star.

So I’ll hold on to the memory of the way you said my name.
And I’ll hold tight to what’s left behind, even though it’s not the same.

I’m wishing on a star,
I’m breaking my own heart.
By holding onto hope of something I can’t hold.
I know you can’t be mine,
And I’ve run out of time.
But I sit with my guitar and wish on every star.