Sparkles and Spikes

A journey through life.

Begging for Crumbs

The world we live in is broken. No matter who you are, no matter what you believe, there are very few people, I think, who would argue that we aren’t broken, that there’s not something wrong in this world. At times, we are overwhelmed by this feeling that there was supposed to be more. It was supposed to be different, or better. This world is so full of hurt and Hard.

Every once in a while, as we are walking along, we see a glimpse of how it’s supposed to be: a tiny piece of heaven on earth where, for a passing moment, we see the beauty that God intended. This world is just a shadow of the home we were made for. It’s a reflection in a distorted mirror where nothing looks quite like it is supposed to and everything is gaudy and out of shape.

We hold tight to those moments, to those glimpses. We long for more of them, we search for them. And why wouldn’t we? Why wouldn’t we grasp at the split seconds in which we are able to see perfection? They help to spur us on in the midst of the Hard that otherwise surrounds our daily walks. But they were never meant to be what we lived for.

Those fleeting seconds, those passing mirages, they are a picture of what we are promised, but they are not the life we are called to here. Here we live through the Hard. We push into a Father who has promised us peace and joy even in these ugly moments, in the moments where it doesn’t make sense.

We are begging for crumbs.

Please God, please. Just this One thing. Just that One person. Just that One dream. Give me that, and I’ll be satisfied. I’ll never ask for anything else. Let me hold onto this moment. Please, don’t take that too.

It breaks our heart when these comforts, these securities that we cling to with our entire beings are ripped apart from us. When we realize that we might not get that dream. There are areas that we get a no in spite of the fact that we are begging God for a yes.

It’s beyond painful to hear a “no” from God where we are praying for a “yes”. Living in the knowledge that He is the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE and He could easily say “yes” and yet he still says “no” is distressing. It feels as if God is giving us more Hard; more Hard in this already Hard world. It’s overwhelming to have to remind ourselves that He is there and that He is good; that His “no” is good. We have to remember that the author of all eternity is writing our stories and we are crafted purposefully and perfectly.

We are begging for crumbs.

God has promised us a feast. And sometimes, we get scraps from the feast while we walk through this life. And when we get them, it’s just so good. There are some crumbs which remind us of the feast that’s waiting for us, so God lets us keep those scraps. But other times, when we fail to see those crumbs as a reminder of the feast, He takes them away. After all, we were never meant to have just crumbs or to live for just crumbs. We were made for so much more.

It breaks us down when we feel like God is saying “no” to the good things we could have. When it seems like He is taking away things or people and you are saying “God! How is this bad?! Why this one?” We forget that God is taking away the crumb that He blessed us with, but He still has a feast prepared. What He has for us is so much bigger and better than what we cling to. It’s so much bigger and better than what we imagine.

God is the author of my life. He is writing the plot, the setting and the characters. It’s up to Him when the setting shifts. It’s up to Him where the plot will twist and turn. It’s up to Him to write people into different roles: to write them into the story and to write them out of the story. I desperately want to grab the pen. There are people I want to write back in. There are people I’d gladly write out. There are people who would play entirely different roles if the pen was in my hand. But it’s not. And every time I ask Him to make something happen my way instead of His, I’m begging for crumbs.

“Stay”

We could have done this thing so differently,
You could have cut this off and just been honest with me.
Guess you didn’t think I’d ever see.
But I can see through, see through all your lies,
And I can see your mask; I see your disguise,
I’ll bet you never realized.

Our romance was a fire and now you’re gonna burn.

And now I’m looking back wondering why you thought that it was fine,
To play your games – to make me want to make you mine.
So tell me why you had to break my heart this way,
You could have told me that you loved her but instead you said “stay”.

You could have been, you could have been a man,
If you had just come clean to me I’d understand,
But instead you tried to hide your plan.
Well I can see you, see you standing here,
Been exposed and now she knows, and it’s all in the clear,
And I’m taking back my wasted year.

Cause you were playing with fire, and I’m the one who was burned.

And now I’m looking back wondering why you thought that it was fine,
To play your games – to make me want to make you mine.
So tell me why you had to break my heart this way,
You could have told me that you loved her but instead you said “stay”.

Well I put out the flames with the tears that I cried,
Over you for so many nights.
And I stood from the ashes, a phoenix, I rise,
And I spread out my wings and took to the sky.

And I’m not looking back, you should have known it wasn’t fine,
To play your games and now I won’t waste my time.
I never said that you could break my heart that way,
And even if you asked me, I would never stay.

Enough

It’s the word that I want to scream out at the world. I’ve been here before; I’ve walked this road, I recognize the twists and turns and I’m tired of being caught in this cycle. Moving through the same motions over and over again, so many times I can hardly stand it. Why are these shadows following me around? Didn’t I leave this behind me? “Enough!”

It’s in the sentence I find myself whispering at night as I curl up in my bed trying to sleep. When I try to process through my day, try to let it go so that tomorrow can be new. When I force myself to accept that the Lord’s plans are better than mine. When I try to remember that He works all things together for my good. When I ask Him to give me direction. “When will it be enough?”

It’s the phrase I hear God whispering to my heart. “I AM ENOUGH.”

And I know He is.

Wishing On A Star

I don’t know if I found you, or you found me in this big world.
But somehow you fit right in to my life so comfortably.

You always knew my heart, right from the very start.

I’m wishing on a star,
I’m breaking my own heart.
By holding onto hope of something I can’t hold.
I know you can’t be mine,
And I’ve run out of time.
But I sit with my guitar and wish on every star.

Where did we go so wrong? We made a mess of what had.
We broke apart, in tiny shards, you seemed to slipped away so fast.

You somehow broke through all my walls, said you would catch me when I fall.
But now I am patching up the holes, just trying to feel whole.

I’m wishing on a star,
I’m breaking my own heart.
By holding onto hope of something I can’t hold.
I know you can’t be mine,
And I’ve run out of time.
But I sit with my guitar and wish on every star.

So I’ll hold on to the memory of the way you said my name.
And I’ll hold tight to what’s left behind, even though it’s not the same.

I’m wishing on a star,
I’m breaking my own heart.
By holding onto hope of something I can’t hold.
I know you can’t be mine,
And I’ve run out of time.
But I sit with my guitar and wish on every star.

There are days when it takes all the strength inside of me to hear truth above the noise of the lies inside my head. But today I refuse to give into the temptation to sit and be sad and wish that things had worked out differently for me. I will not wonder about where I would be if I had made different choices, will not look back and try to see where it all went so wrong. I won’t wish things had turned out better or pity myself for what has happened in the past. Today I am going to live in the Light–in God’s promises which I know to be true. I will trust in His transforming grace.

I’m holding onto hope.
That God will cover all my wounds– that He will allow me to live without fear that everyone who enters my heart is destined to break it.
I’m clinging to the truth.
That I do not have to act like the girl I once was, that I don’t have to give in to the temptation to be her, because in Christ, I am a new creation.
I’m grasping at faith.
Trusting that the Lord is near when my heart feels broken and that He saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I’m resting in His peace.
Because I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I know that the Lord works all things for the good of those who love Him.

A Wild Thing

You and I lay here hand in hand,
Feeling it fall apart,
‘Cause I can’t stay here like I’d planned,
Though it may break my heart.

Well the storm we made is rolling in, and now the wind has changed,
And when it’s gone, what’s left behind will never be the same.
‘Cause our love was just like gasoline poured out on a flame,
A wild thing that could be caught but never could be tamed.

Maybe we never had a choice,
I had to shout for you to hear my voice,
And I let you come and steal my joy,
Now I can’t hear above all this quiet noise,

Well the storm we made is rolling in, and now the wind has changed,
And when it’s gone, what’s left behind will never be the same.
‘Cause our love was just like gasoline poured out on a flame,
A wild thing that could be caught but never could be tamed.

You and I were oil and fire.
Said you loved me, you’re a liar.
But if you asked me I would stay,
And watch the smoke filled sky turn gray.

Well the storm we made is rolling in, and now the wind has changed,
And when it’s gone, what’s left behind will never be the same.
‘Cause our love was just like gasoline poured out on a flame,
A wild thing that could be caught but never could be tamed.

Be my joy in these joyless moments.
My hope when it seems like all hope has faded away.
God, be my strength because I am not strong enough to stand on my own.
You are good.
I don’t know anything else anymore except that you are good and you love me.
And I will trust you even when I can’t understand.

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