Sparkles and Spikes

A journey through life.

There’s a change in the air and it hangs between us, thick and heavy.
And I’m unsure what to do, I can only cling so tightly to what you are slowly prying out of my cold, aching fingertips.
I hold on for dear life but I know that I only have so much longer before it’s ripped out of my grasp completely and I’m left here.

Completely alone.

There’s a static electricity that surrounds me, threateningly waiting.
I can feel it all around my body, pushing in from the outside, constant pressure that weighs heavily on my skin.
Restlessly I try to shake whatever it is that I cannot seem to rid myself of but when I look around me I see that I’m here.

Completely alone.

There’s this unsettling quiet that turns my stomach as the nothingness fills my ears.
I can hear the empty air around me like white-noise at a volume that will never decrease as I wait for the music to begin.
But the music never starts and instead I sit in this prison of silence as I glance to my left and my right and find that I’m here.

Completely alone.

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Head Vs. Heart

The worst sort of battle is between head and heart.
In this fight, you’re losing, before you even start.

“Be quiet heart!” your head shouts and reasons away
With both truth and logic, through details it weighs.

But hearts, they are wild and feelings run deep.
And all of heads logic won’t put heart to sleep.

“Oh head” heart sighs softly, “you don’t understand,
I didn’t expect this, it’s not what I planned.
It’s just that somehow I tripped and I fell,
My balance was off, I knew it couldn’t end well.
I’m feeling intensely, and I just can’t ignore,
The pull that I’m feeling, this magnetic force,
That carries me in and then leaves me to cope,
Oh head, I’m just drowning and losing all hope.”

“Heart!” Head answers, “be reasonable please.
You saw this all coming, you knew how it would be.
The answers were there long before this began,
You knew this would happen, even though it’s unplanned.”

And heart answers back “Head, please give me some grace,
I’m already embarrassed I fell on my face.
My ego is wounded, I don’t know how to act
I’m breaking to pieces, my edges are cracked.”

So on and on goes this battle inside,
And head and heart both are left feeling quite tried.
Both convinced they are right and the other is wrong,
It goes back and forth and the war wages on.

A tiresome battle between heart and head,
Not one will give in, nor leave something unsaid.
But one day you’ll wake up and find that it’s done,
You may never notice which one of them won.

The worst sort of battle, your enemy is you,
And though you will win, you also must lose.

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Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for You.
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And this is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.
-1 John 5:14-15

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7

And call upon Me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me.”
-Psalm 50:15

The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth.
-Psalm 145:18

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praises. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him.
-James 5:13-15

Lord, I’m trying.

I’m not ready for her to die. Things are moving too fast and I can’t keep up. I can’t wrap my head around it. 

She has cancer. It will kill her.

 

I keep thinking about her offer that I come work for her. That I could just come spend time with her and get her organized. And part of me knows I could never accept that. But part of me wishes I had. 

 

And I’m terrified for my mom.

Everything blows up all at once. 

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